Knees are important. Yes they spare us the embarrassment of falling over, but ror me, they bring other benefits. Here are 5 reasons why.
1. Imagine this scenario. It’s the weekend. You’ve made a delicious tuna sandwich for lunch. The perfect accompaniment is a pickled onion. In the cupboard, there is only one new, unopened, jar. And you only have the use of one arm. Like me. (Sad Trombone)
(Behave yourself. In this context, pussies is derived from pusillanimous. Not what you were thinking of. Get your mind out of the gutter. Pusillanimous def: showing lack of courage or determination).
You will not be denied your pickled onion. What are you going to do? Pressing the jar down onto a damp cloth gives some purchase, but not enough. For the mono-armed, the jar of pickled onions is a mountain to be climbed.
The solution is not for the self-conscious. Drop down into a squat. Grip the jar between your knees. Get a firm hold of the lid. Muster all your strength to open it. Voila. Pickled onions aplenty.
Activate your core too and you have a micro-workout. Eating pickled onions could give you the six pack you’ve long for. Tell your friends. This method also has advantages for those with two arms. You can open a jar of pickled onions without the inconvenience of putting down your glass of wine.
2. Trimming your fingernails. Knees are good for that too. Sit in a chair. Lay a folded towel across your knees to stop the nail clippers from moving around. Off you go. Clench the knees to clip when your fingernail is in the correct position.
3. Making Corn Fritters? That batter is one stiff mother when the corn is added. Try putting a damp cloth under the bowl to stir it and you’ll soon be wearing your batter and corn (I’ve been there). You need to sit in a chair with the bowl between your knees. So you can really put your back into it. You might want to cover your crotch with a tea towel too, to avoid embarrassing batter stains.
4. I’ve been known to cut open bread rolls this way, despite the inherent risks. Sawing between your legs with a sharp knife can be hazardous. Put a tea towel on the floor to catch crumbs. And your wedding tackle if you’re careless.
5. Last, but most importantly, beer. Bottles of beer. You can stand or sit for this one. Hold the bottle between your knees as you flip off the lid with an opener. Practice and you’ll soon be flipping off the lids faster than a flair bartender in Vegas.
Go forth and enjoy your pickled onions.
Got an unlikely use for your knees? Please share in the comments below. That would be the bee’s knees.
Batter stains – that’s what I call them too
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